by: Henry Bateman

      State: W.A.
      Country: Australia



Today I Took a Walk


Today I took a walk
in the place where reeds still grow
the last remaining visage
of freedom from the hoe
and there I heard the birds
impart to all in reach
amid their caroled love songs
defiance each to each
and in this earthy humour
there was no sound of fear
and the beauty of their truth
still lingers in my ear.

Today I took a walk
on a private little beach
a favourite place I go
to escape the human reach
and there I heard the mermaids
sing a song of pure delight
above the pounding surf
with words that seemed so right
and though the spray was flicking
and the wind was at my back
out beyond the breakers
the sea was calm and flat.

Today I took a walk
where the reeds no longer grow
and in their place stand statues
in row on row on row
and as I stood and listened
a lament grew in my mind
for missing birds and mermaids
and the purpose of my kind
then through an open window
a gentle song did float
a guitar was strumming under
words from a well-tuned throat.

Copyright © Henry Bateman 2000


Send private comments to author: thepissedpoet@hotmail.com




Comments: Perfectly lovely right down to the very end, where it falters miserably.
The final four lines are bad and need to be redone. Then you will have something truly wonderful.

Name: RhymeMaster
EMail: rhymer01@thewritersnook.com



Comments: P.S. Henry, since you asked,
the inverted ending to put the rhyme word at the end is a major "no no" and "well-tuned throat" echoes a cliche which makes it a very weak ending,
as I said earlier, plus the wording at the end is less than optimal.

Name: RhymeMaster
EMail: rhymer01@thewritersnook.com



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